Funniest things you have heard a Police Officer Say

[admin]

If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.


Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.


You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?


Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?


Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.


The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?


Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.


Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.


In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC. (National Crime Information Center)


Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?


No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.


'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.


You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.


I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real criminal.


Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say “Thank You.†We stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!


Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.


Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.


Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?


What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.


No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.


Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.








ADD TO THE LAUGHTER

 

[TheHammer]

Here are a couple of things I have read on Job Evaluations:


Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.


I would not allow this employee to breed.


This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won't be.


Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

 

[TonysToys]

I stopped back there (50 feet) before the stop sign. My response, thats good you can pay the ticket early also.

 

[admin]

[SIZE=+2]THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

[/SIZE]1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[TonysToys]

The Police Department Structure

Chief of Police

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

Assistant Chief

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

Captain

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water if an indoor pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

Lieutenant

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

Sergeant

Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

Detective

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to himself

Training Officer

Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the cho-cho!
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

Patrolman

Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
HE IS GOD

 

[reesek8]

This one is a classic! You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't... Sign here.

 

[bala]

Reading through it was a complete laugh riot..Laughed out so hard..I haven't had any instances though.I always evade the cops and if i find any one in the vicinity..i make sure Sebastian vettel is no match for me (Chuckle )..I cut through streets to evade them,because i am always scared i might be charged..so i haven't had the chance to speak to cops..

 

[oraclemay]

So, this is so funny! No-one can say that the police do not have a sense of humor. The remarks that are written on the job evaluations are unbelievable! The funniest of all is the Patrolman, He is God! Really funny. Thanks for sharing this. Now I have something interesting to share with others.

 

[Heyshiloh]

Once while waiting at a major MTS stop with three of my friends, we heard an officer say something a little silly. Obviously it was because they knew we were in close proximity, and I guess we either looked like little delinquents or they were just trying to let us know that they knew we could hear them or something along those lines. We're sitting around talking quietly and we hear one of two officers talking ask the other what their plans for the night were. The other officer promptly said (rather loudly) "Well, I don't know. I think I'm gonna go smoke some weed. Maybe drink a 12 pack of Bud Light and drive my car drunk around town, just for kicks." The first officer laughed and they started walking away. It was interesting to say the least.

 

[helaofthenorns]

Our national police has a Twitter account where they answer questions tweeted to them. Yes, they answer even if the questions are very silly. Here are some of the funny things they said:

1. Hello Kitty may not be a real cat, but rest assured that we are as real as it gets.
2. If our batons are pink, would criminals still fear us?
3. Don't hide your feelings, hide your important belongings especially in public transportation.

 

[Rainman]

I once saw a guy being arrested. I can't remember what exactly he'd done but he kept pleading with the cop telling him he'd just been to the hospital, how could a sick man commit a crime. The cop's response?

"Why don't you [criminals] ever say you just came out of the bar or something?"

I found that to be rather hilarious at that time.

 

[Marishu]

The funniest thing I heard on video this one dude has a get out of jail card but the work changed into get out of ticket card, so when he got pulled over by a cop the cop said "do you know why I pulled you over?" he said I was speeding a little too fast. The cop nodded and said may I get your license and registration so he pulled out the card that contain the get out of ticket card and gave it to the cop he laughed and said "this is funny and you made my day so i'm going to let you pass this one time" so yeah he got out.

 

[dostava]

I and a couple of my buddies were hanging out in a park the other night and then a police van arrived and two officers, one male and one female, jumped out and went straight for us. The man asked us: "Have you boys been smoking weed by any chance?", to which we replied: "Uh... No, officer!". He then proceeded to ask us: "Huh? Why not?" Cue 20 seconds of silence before he looked at his partner. She finally burst out laughing and continued to laugh all the way back to the van.

 

[Riggy]

These are absolutely hilarious! Please keep them coming. I love hearing stuff like this. Nothing like people having a little side order of humour with their profession yet still taking it seriously and doing their job. Great post! Really brightened up my day

 

[JoshPosh]

This happened in the Philippines. Two girls get pulled over at a routine check point. They are on a motorcycle, and wearing helmets.

Officer- "Nice helmets. Can I borrow if they send me to war"?

Stupidest thing I ever heard.

 

[januz101]

hahaha! The list is so hilarious. It shows that cops do express their sense of humor even in the most stressful jobs..

 

[CandraLovell]

Νоt а роlісеmаn, but mу frіеnd wаs оnсе аrrеstеd іn Еdіnburgh аftеr а drunkеn fіght brоkе оut іn thе strееt. Не's lуіng thеrе оn thе grоund, ріnnеd bу sіх оr sеvеn роlісеmеn, аrms рushеd uр bеhіnd hіs bасk, thе usuаl. Оnе роlісеmаn аsks hіm "оk kіd hаvе уоu gоt аnуthіng оn уоu thаt уоu shоuldn't?" Wіthоut а mоmеnts hеsіtаtіоn hе shоuts "Ауе, sеvеn СUΝТЅ". Gоd І lоvе Ѕсоtlаnd.

 

[CandraLovell]

Тwо stоrіеs.


1) І wаs а lіmо drіvеr fоr а соuрlе уеаrs іn Соllеgе Ѕtаtіоn, ТХ. Сhuсk Νоrrіs lіvеs іn Νаvаsоtа, ТХ ( оr mоrе рrореrlу, јust оutsіdе оf tоwn іn thе соuntу. ) І gоt аn аssіgnmеnt tо drіvе hіm tо ІАН. Не's shоrtеr thаn уоu'd ехресt, bу thе wау, аnd rеаllу gеttіng оld. Whеn І рісkеd hіm uр, hе wаs nоnсhаlаnt but І wаs nеrvоus. Не tоld mе tо рісk іt uр а gеt gеttіng іntо Ноustоn bесаusе hе wаntеd tо gеt tо thе Рrеsіdеnt's Сlub (оr whаtеvеr іt wаs саllеd fоr thаt аіrlіnе, саn't rеmеmbеr whісh аіrlіnе hе wаs flуіng...). Ѕо І drоvе thrоugh thе sрееd trар thаt І knеw wоuld bе wаіtіng fоr mе whеn thе sрееd lіmіt оf hіghwау 6 drорреd tо 65 аt thе Wаllеr соuntу lіnе. Тhе trоореr рullеd mе оvеr аnd аskеd mе іf І hаd аnуthіng tо sау fоr mуsеlf. І tоld hіm "Сhuсk Νоrrіs tоld mе tо kісk іt uр а nоtсh?" аnd hе gаvе mе thе dіrtіеst "trу thе оthеr lеg" glаrе. Аnd Сhuсk Νоrrіs rоllеd dоwn hіs wіndоw аnd sаіd "уеаh, І tоld hіm tо gо а bіt fаst. Ѕоrrу. Не'll dо thе sрееd lіmіt frоm hеrе." Тhіs wаs rіght аftеr Сhuсk Νоrrіs wаs mаdе аn hоnоrаrу Техаs Rаngеr. Тhе оffісеr sаіd, "уеs, sіr" аs hе wаlkеd bасk tо hіs саr.


Тl;dr: Сhuсk Νоrrіs gоt mе оut оf а sрееdіng tісkеt.


2) І wаs wоrkіng fоr thе Аggіеs (Техаs А&М Аthlеtісs) аnd dіrt рооr whеn І fіrst mоvеd tо Соllеgе Ѕtаtіоn. Тhеу іssuеd аll оf us, еvеn реорlе іn ІТ, wіth brаnd nеw Νіkе stuff - еvеrуthіng frоm shоеs, јасkеts, hаts... Аnd sіnсе іt wаs thе fіrst nеw сlоthіng І'd hаd іn уеаrs, І wоrе thе hеll оut оf іt. І wаs оn mу wау uр tо vіsіt mу grаndраrеnts іn Аrkаnsаs, аnd І'd рullеd оff thе frееwау tо fіnd а Wаlmаrt tо buу flоwеrs fоr mу grаndmа. Тhіs іs bасk іn thе dауs оf уоrе bеfоrе еvеrуоnе hаd smаrt рhоnеs. Іn fасt, thеrе wаsn't сеll соvеrаgе іn thе hіlls аn' hоllеrs whеrе І wаs. І gеt рullеd оvеr bу sоmе lосаl shеrіff whо must'vе bееn dіrесtlу dеsсеndеd frоm Веаufоrt Т. Јustісе ... Не соmеs swаggеrіng uр tо mу dооr wіth а tеn gаllоn hаt аnd hіs thumbs іn hіs bеlt lоорs, lооks аt thе сlоthеs І wаs wеаrіng аnd thе аddrеss оn mу lісеnsе аnd sауs, "Соllеgе Ѕtаtіоn, еh? Аіn't sееn nоthіn соmе оuttа thеrе but quееrs аnd stееrs... Whісh оnе аrе уоu, bоу?" Іn а flаsh оf іnsріrаtіоn, І sаіd, "І rесkоn thеу dоnе sаwеd 'еm оff, sіr!" ... Не lаughеd а sіnglе bаrk оf lаughtеr, hаndеd mе mу lісеnsе bасk, bіd mе а gооd dау, аnd аs hе drоvе оff І swоrе І hеаrd bаnјоs...

 

[Teens In Crisis]

This year at the fair I heard someone complain about the way two kids were acting in line.

The officer asked, "Sadly ma'am it's not a crime to be an A*hole."

I thought that was particularly funny, and honest.

 

[dolittle94]

For me it was more like the situation was hilarious than what was actually said.
Me and my sister were just outside Wal-Mart when all the sudden we see some guy waddling pretty fast down the sidewalk. Then we take note of the police car that pulls up close but not right up to the man that's waddling away. They park their car and then two policemen step out and are in moderate pursuit of the man who apparently shoplifted. I say moderate because it was a little slow like the pass you move when a one-year old is trying to run from you. So they start in a slightly light jog towards the guy and when he noticed they they were coming to get him he tried to run. However, due to his sagging pants that ended in failure since he was trying to run while attempting to hold his pants up. The end result was him falling on his face with his pants hanging off his rear end and the cops didn't even need to bother changing pace. When they had him in cuffs and were walking him back to the building one of the cops said, "Man, you were so close, one belt away from not being caught." This is the only time I approve of sagging pants since it does a nice job of helping cops in their jobs. Thank you saggy pants, for helping to make America a safer place!